Heart in a blender

From the last posts you can tell my emotions are ridin' one crazy roller coaster and today, or more accurately, this weekend is no exception. There's love in my life, there's this amazing man in my life whom I love and admire. He is intelligent and a hard worker, and has done so much with his life and in comparison I am feeling like a total failure. Funny thing is that if he was a loser then I'd be complaining of what an unaccomplished person he was. We human beings are never happy, right?

Now, the problem is not him, it's me! I am feeling like a loser, I am feeling like I have nothing to give him and that's not right. I used to feel like a superwoman, intelligent and educated and strong and sexy... but I don't know where all of that is now, he is like, kryptonite to me! I gotta work on my self steem, and I also feel the need of doing more, I want to feel like I am as good/cool/successful as he is.

But before I was with him, wasn't I good/cool/successful enough??? Gotta meditate on that...

Answers, please....

How do I know when I am giving too much? Sometimes I want to be this wonderful, helpful, always-there-for-you kind of person and that just doesn't work out well, 'cause in giving so much to others I always forget about myself. So, how do I know? Am I doing/giving too much now? I am pissed and I am hurt and I probably won't find out if I was taken advantage of. I just hope I am wrong, I don't want history repeating itself over and over again.

And I really don't want to change...but I might have to tone it down a notch...you know, the giving...

I'm back! I guess...

Yes, I guess...Thing is, I am not sure if I can commit to writing on a regular basis, but tonight, I feel like doing it, after such a long time. I have been through a lot in the last couple of years, made too many mistakes and cried my heart out.

I really put myself out there to be hurt, always choosing the wrong people to give my heart to, trusting the ones I shouldn't trust and making up excuses for others when they let me down. I also made some stupid choices, just for fun you know? But everything that happened has become an experience, some of which I truly regret, the rest, I can live with them.

There were many days and nights where I drowned in desperation and pain, hopelessness; thinking that things would never change and that I would remain infinitely sad and at my lowest for the rest of my life. But you know how they say nothing lasts forever? Well, praise the Lord 'cause this came to an end.

To be continued...