I don't wanna be next!

Recuerdas cuales eran tus preocupaciones de juventud? Yo si, algo asi como "y si las monjas descubren que tengo las uñas pintadas?", o "y si fulanito no me hace caso?", tambien "ojala y no me descubran la revista que tengo abierta debajo de la mascota" o my personal favorite "no tengo nada que ponerme pa' la fiesta de mengana!". Oh, those were the days, esos eran los "problemas" que a mi me arropaban y bien grande que yo los encontraba.

Dentro de poco y con mucha alegria por mi parte empece a ir a la universidad y realmente las cosas no cambiaron mucho para mi, yo seguia siendo la misma mantenida de siempre, y la responsabilidad no era un termino con el cual yo estaba muy familiarizada que digamos. Yo no pagaba telefono ni tarjetas de credito, ni luz ni nada de eso. Yo el poco dinero que conseguia o me lo bebia o me compraba chucherias. Tengo que admitir que a mi entrada a la universidad yo todavia vivia en una especie de burbuja en la cual yo vivia inmune a toda clase de Problemas Reales, lo mio eran nimiedades aunque yo las viera grande. Mis relaciones amorosas seguian siendo tipo telenovelas (which I have come to see as a terrible influence in a young girl's mind).

Sin embargo, una tarde de paseo la Realidad se paro frente a mi, con una de sus espinas destruyo mi burbuja, me tomo por los hombros y me sacudio. Sin darme cuenta yo habia terminado la universidad, ya tenia trabajo y mis amigas habian pasado de ser compinches de bebida y bonches a ser supervisoras, gerentes, abogadas y...musica de suspenso aqui... MADRES!!! Si, madres! Las solteras, las casadas, las jovenes, las viejas, en fin, ellas.

Y te preguntaras, bueno, y que tienes eso de malo? Uhmm, bueno, quizas nada, total yo me alegro muchisimo por mis amigas embarazadas pero me alegro aun mas cuando cada mes yo sufro del SPM. Y si, yo estoy de acuerdo en que los niños son una bendicion de Dios, un regalo de vida, solo que ahora mismo, yo no quiero ni que me bendigan, ni que me regalen asi. No es que no me gusten los niños, solo que para mi, estos son criaturas que necesitan de tiempo, afecto y dinero. Tiempo que yo puedo invertir en mi, afecto que realmente no me costaria nada y dinero del cual no produzco mucho a decir verdad. Si, se que suena un poco egoista, pero es que, truth be told, I am a little selfish. Besides, I am still getting used to all my new responsabilities and I certainly don't want any new one.

Si, algun dia quiero tener little bundles of joy (just two of them) pero ahora mismo no, no quiero y no puedo. Tengo suficiente con las cuentas por pagar, el trabajo, el diplomado, la maestria que quiero empezar, esa beca que intento conseguir, y una relacion amorosa que apenas empieza. Ya, lo dije, congrats to those who are expecting pero yo no quiero ser la proxima en sufrir una imflamacion abdominal de nueve meses. Sue me!

Let's talk about...

Today I have nothing to talk about. After so much time of having my mind full of worries, topics, issues, to-do lists and all kind of stuffs, today, my mind is pretty much blank, and the thing is, I am not even worried about it, actually, I am glad I have nothing to talk about...

Wait, maybe I do have something to talk about: the reason why I am in such a peaceful state of mind. Sometimes I believe I create my own troubles, in my mind they swim and jump, they sleep and rest but sometimes they make so much noise they really bother me. And that's what I just did, I started to look for the wrong in a place where everything seemed right, because to me, it seemed so perfect that it had to be something wrong about it! I had to go ahead and create some drama!

And there you were, telling me without words that things were just fine and that maybe I should let myself go and enjoy what was happening. You were giving me reasons to believe, reasons to be happy, to trust, to let go, to close my eyes and peacefully lie in your embrace.

And suddenly, it got to me! I was being an idiot for trying to wrong the right. I was being an idiot for not taking a chance when I was given every reason to take it, furthermore, I was given the ways to take my chance and be happy with it. That's when I stopped thinking and wondering and considering, that's when I started loving.

Deceiving, Deceived.

Have you found me to be deceiving?
I am sorry I couldn't be honest about myself, show you the real me, the one that felt her heart breaking to pieces every time she thought about you, about not being with you. But hey, you did the same...

So you thought I was hard on you?
Now, let's not be unfair, have you ever thought how hard you made things for me? No, I don't think you have, but let me explain, you never made it easy, you made up your mind and said how things were to be done, the way you thought it was best for us. But you never bothered asking me what I thought, what I wanted. What I needed.

Can you blame me for going away?
I don't think you should, but I guess you feel like you have every right to. I hope you understand I am not doing this because I want to make it hard on you, I am doing it because I need to help myself. Make things easy for the one I should care about first.

"Amicitiae nostrae memoriam spero sempiternam fore" Cicero